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Old 03-31-2011, 01:26 PM   #1
DDA365
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Default David Haye will win in the first round - esb main site article

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By Fantana: Firstly I would like to say that as a real man, such as myself, I am able to decipher events before they happen. This skill is essential in everyday life in key areas such as driving in a motor vehicle and accurately predicting if there are speed cameras ahead whilst driving very fast to impress women. The skill is also used in hunting for accurately shooting things in the face whilst they are running. Most importantly this skill which most men under the age of 30 enjoy is to be able to predict who would beat who in a fight. This summer we have a heavyweight unification title bout tentatively scheduled for some time in July. Imagining this fight actually takes place I will explore, in a non-gay way, why David Haye will beat Klitschko..

I believe that both fighters have displayed great ability in their respective careers. Wladimir is tall and has a good offense and is technically sound when not getting pressured. David Haye is a fast, explosive puncher and has a much better musical taste than Wladimir, after all he hangs out with Craig David and his Dad is Levi Roots. Whilst I have been reading a lot of predictions on this fight none have impressed me because all of them have picked the wrong guy. It seems the majority of the boxing public think that, for whatever reason, Wladimir Klitschko is going to make short work of David Haye. Popular opinion states that David Haye is too chinny, or that David Haye is a fraud. Furthermore others opinions go on to say such delightful things as David Haye hasnít beaten anybody at heavyweight, and is only a B level fighter at best. Whilst I could possibly respect others opinions that differed from oneís own I simply cannot in this instance because they are so perpetually insane. Not only is David Haye a great athlete who sports a physique which pays a homage to the work he puts in at the gym he is also a man who fights the best out there at the time.

As the undisputed cruiserweight champion Haye knocked out both Mormeck and Maccarinelli. Already at heavyweight he has beaten Monte Barrett in his first fight in spectacular fashion. He was even able to disguise getting knocked down in that fight as a slip, such is the sheer quality David Haye has. He beat the biggest heavyweight champion of all time, Sugar Nikolay Valuev, almost knocking him out in the final round with the only hard punch he threw all night. Next up on the Haydar was the first ever Latino heavyweight champion of the world, two-time world champion and my personal all-time favourite heavyweight John Ruiz. In this fight Haye did what he had to do to get a win, yes he cheated, but he got the win and that is all that anyone ever cares about it and what the record books show. Just a few short months later, seven to be exact, Haye was up against an Olympic Champion, the European Champion and a Prize Fighter winner Audley Harrison, and we all know how that fight turned out. So, looking back at the professional career of David Haye we can say that he is most definitely an A level calibre, and the way he fights (i.e punching hard and fast) just spells disaster for Wladimir Klitschko.

As they say, styles make fights. They also say that a leopard never changes his spots. And in Wladimir Klitschkoís case those spots equal getting knocked out when under pressure. I donít think Wladimir wanted the Haye fight, but the man pushing him forward must be Emmanual Steward. The very same Emmanual Steward who tried to make Lennox Lewis fight Vitali Klitschko a second time, even though Lennox Lewis was fat, old and semi-retired. The guys who have beaten Wladimir not only beat him, they technically knocked him out. Neither Sanders, Brewster or that other guy possess the power or speed David Haye has been gifted with. This can only mean one outcome, Wladimir is going to get trifled and early on too, as David Haye doesnít let fighters off the hook once he has them in trouble, and Wladimir doesnít have the means to stop a Haye onslaught when he is in trouble and pressured.

Although Wladimir is unbeaten since 2004 he hasnít faced a power puncher who could trouble him. Forget the rematch with Brewster as he was well done by then having not fought for over a year before taking the fight with Klitschko. A cursory glance over a list of his last ten opponents show none of them have a KO ratio higher than 72%, whilst David Hayeís is 88%. The writing is on the wall folks, Klitschko is up against a guy who is younger, faster, punches harder than his body can withstand and above all else stylistically better prepared to beat Wladimir than any of his previous opponents. There are also worrying tell-tale signs that Wladimir Klitschko is in love and his mind will be on things like buying puppies and flowers for his sweet-heart rather than concentrating on whacking Haye in the face a couple of times and then holding for the rest of the round, as is the Klitschko mantra.

There is also a big psychological advantage to David Haye, he most definitely has rustled the seemingly robot-like Wladimir. Uncharacteristically Wladimir is threatening to use explosive tactics that could tire the big man out, he says he will knock David out in the 12th round. He has been working on a new tactic of throwing 28 half jabs followed by a right uppercut (repeat x100) which is largely unproven in his career. We must also not forget Wladís current piece of fluff is an actress, a career in Hollywood is something David Haye has been speaking about after he retires from the sport of boxing. Could this mean there is a bit of a love-triangle going on? Is David Haye taking acting lessons from Wladís bird just to irritate him, or is something deeper going on, or is there no acting classes going on whatsoever? We canít be too sure as fascinating as it all is to ponder on, but remember, if you nail the cheerleader you nail the world (world championship that is).

With all this in my man-mind I can only come to the conclusion that it will be a short night for the hard punching and fast talking Cyprus resident David Haye. We have all the excitement of the event to look forward too, as well as the pre-fight build up and inevitable Shirts off Showdown at the weigh in where both gladiators look to out shine the other with a healthy dose of baby oil spread over their muscular bodies. When all is said and done Klitschko wonít prove to be much of a threat in this particular fight, just because David Haye has his number, which reads KO1.

Yours in manliness,
Fantana
Fantastic stuff, a real man, such as myself, such as me, such as my, a real man yeah, has been waiting for an article like this.

Why has no other writer to had the insight to look forward to the baby oil on their muscular bodies at the SHIRTS OFF SHOWDOWN!!! at the weigh in.
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Old 03-31-2011, 01:46 PM   #2
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Default Re: David Haye will win in the first round - esb main site article

When a real man tells you he's a real man,he's really gay
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Old 03-31-2011, 01:49 PM   #3
DDA365
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Default Re: David Haye will win in the first round - esb main site article

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Originally Posted by nutjob View Post
Is that article some sort of SPOOF........

How can any serious writer start a article with that opening paragraph ?
you surely arent questioning the writing standards of FANTANA

its obviously being comedic but i love the way he didnt even bother to proof read his opening sentence
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Old 03-31-2011, 02:24 PM   #4
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Default Re: David Haye will win in the first round - esb main site article

what is it collect ten packs of walkers cheese ad onion and you get to write articles on the main page
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Old 03-31-2011, 02:25 PM   #5
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Default Re: David Haye will win in the first round - esb main site article

and they wonder why the site is seen in such low regard!!
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Old 03-31-2011, 02:25 PM   #6
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Default Re: David Haye will win in the first round - esb main site article

I got to the Author and stopped.
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Old 03-31-2011, 02:27 PM   #7
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Default Re: David Haye will win in the first round - esb main site article

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Originally Posted by nutjob View Post
Is that article some sort of SPOOF........

How can any serious writer start a article with that opening paragraph ?
Pipe down. You're not fit to polish Fantana's shoes. Humourless twat.
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Old 03-31-2011, 02:30 PM   #8
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Default Re: David Haye will win in the first round - esb main site article

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Originally Posted by Lazarus View Post
I got to the Author and stopped.
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Old 03-31-2011, 02:31 PM   #9
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Default Re: David Haye will win in the first round - esb main site article

Boring non funny garbage, who hires these witless losers to write.
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Old 03-31-2011, 02:53 PM   #10
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Default Re: David Haye will win in the first round - esb main site article

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Originally Posted by DDA365 View Post
Fantastic stuff, a real man, such as myself, such as me, such as my, a real man yeah, has been waiting for an article like this.

Why has no other writer to had the insight to look forward to the baby oil on their muscular bodies at the SHIRTS OFF SHOWDOWN!!! at the weigh in.

fantana's description is too subjective!!

sounds like a hater!
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Old 03-31-2011, 02:55 PM   #11
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Default Re: David Haye will win in the first round - esb main site article

yeah. in your and haye's dream!
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Old 03-31-2011, 02:57 PM   #12
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Default Re: David Haye will win in the first round - esb main site article

That makes the BN24 articles look like literary classics.
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Old 03-31-2011, 03:04 PM   #13
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Default Re: David Haye will win in the first round - esb main site article

Funniest thing I've read on here for ages. It takes the piss on so many levels. Quality work.
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Old 03-31-2011, 04:40 PM   #14
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Default Re: David Haye will win in the first round - esb main site article

quality post this is what will happen, you hit the nail on the head fantana. This is the most accurate prediction ive heard in a long time der boy
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Old 03-31-2011, 04:41 PM   #15
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Default Re: David Haye will win in the first round - esb main site article

That's just embarrassing. I see what he was trying to do but...not funny. Not at all.
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