Ren TV/Ushatayka: Vyacheslav Valeryevich Datsik vs. Kevin Blue Johnson RBR

Decision for Shulsky. He did come pretty close to netting a stoppage in the waning seconds. One more round, probably.

 

Vyacheslav Valeryevich Datsik vs. Kevin Blue Johnson, 8 rounds @ heavyweight

 

Insane ring entrances for both. Kingpin got several dudes in boxing robes lining up by the gate for him, flanking either side, pyro, the full nine.

And then, man, Datsik's. Whoo boy. A couple of lads stripping half naked as he walked between them, bodies painted black and gold with a weird honeycomb pattern.

They're making an honest to goodness spectacle of this whole thing.

 

Sugar Nikolai Valuev doing analysis!

 

Round 1

Datsik is jabbing the body, not quite reaching. Johnson is skipping around on the ball of either foot, flicking a long left jab at the face, neck cocked backward. Datsik swarms and throws a bunch of heavy hooks at Johnson on the ropes, headhunting, but the American does a shoulder roll and slips pretty much all of them, much of it taken on his elbows and biceps. Right hand shot up from the hip into the face by Datsik, grazing as Johnson again pulls his head back and does a lean-away. Datsik raises both gloves to nab a Johnson jab in mid-air. Johnson increases his jab output while circling wide, tickling Datsik's beard with it.

10-9 Datsik, close, crazy round. Johnson showing what we all knew, that he has the ability to easily outbox Datsik, just not doing enough.

 

Round 2

Datsik is approaching like a madman, spearing right hands into the upturned left shoulder of Johnson, then dropping both arms by his sides and doing a little showboat butt-wiggle as he comes stalking. Datsik being an absolute weirdo now, putting his arms out in front of him like a zombie, but aimed slightly down, knuckles pointed toward Johnson's waistband. Now he puts both arms out behind himself Naruto style and does a "charging bull" pantomimed power headbutt in Johnson's direction. Datsik throwing single blasts and slipped effortlessly, as he isn't bothering to cut the ring off. Johnson turning him and dusting him from mohawk to nose with jabs. Johnson skating around the ring, avoiding Datsik's bombs, jabbing his face off. Datsik rushes him into a corner just before the bell, pumping in hooks, all blocked as Johnson shrimps and arches his back.

10-9 Johnson

19-19

 

Every bit the acid trip of a boxing match I fully expected it would be.

 

Round 3

Datsik is chucking wild slow jabs upward, sawing the air several inches out from Johnson's head. They're mostly just window dressing as plods in and tries uppercuts on the body. Johnson ignores those and just jabs into the mush. Johnson content to lay on the ropes and let Datsik work. Lots of hacking blows across the upper back. Johnson curling into a ball in the corner, rolling with shots and leaning to either side. Johnson comes up for air every few seconds and jabs Datsik on the snout or between his eyes to step free.

10-9 Johnson, very close, barely enough work off that jab

29-28 Johnson

 

...wtf, was a three-rounder? Okay, sure, why not, literally everything else about this was strange.

 

They give it to Johnson!

LOL! That was ****ing hilarious.

Mikhail Bufferov (that's our Western forum nerd pet name for accomplished boxing emcee Alexander Zagorsky) was in the middle of announcing the result, and when he said "the winner, by split-" ...he was interrupted by a monstrous deep belly ROAR from Datsik, who assumed he had it.

Long awkward pause.

"...Johnson..."

 

KJ says that he wanted to entertain the fans so he made sure to stay in close so that Datsik could touch him with some of his stuff, but not too much because he says that stuff is very formidable.

He then weirdly asks "the honorable president" Vladimir Putin permission to gain citizenship and move here for the rest of his career. He wants to be neighbors with Povetkin and annoy him every day.

Sasha looks nonplussed.

 

What wonderfully bizarre nonsense. Anyway, back to reality...