Brave Sir AJ and the Legend of the Can Crusher

On The Money · Mar 29, 2018

Sir AJ can't be far away. That idiot Cameron would have knighted him already. Remember the druggie cyclist Sir Wiggins

rorschach51 · Mar 29, 2018

Holler said: ↑

This is for those that prefer their boxing to be part of a pantomime...

Once upon a time, not so long ago, there lived a young boxer called AJ.
AJ loved to box and although he started late he found he was good at it. He won a piece of Gold in a contest, although some said the judges were rather kind to him, and then he met EddieHearn the kindly wizard who agreed to help him seek his fortune in the mysterious land of Professional Boxing. This could prove rewarding as each fight would see a money pie being created and the more people came the bigger the pie!

AJ won several fights, the people liked what they saw and came to see him in great number and then the wizard asked him if he wanted to risk going up a level, even though he wasn't very experienced. The wizard explained that if he took some calculated risks and fought better boxers he would win both a magic money generating belt and postively impact the development of his global brand.

AJ didn't really know wtf the wizard was on about on the second point, but magic belts sounded great and he was happy to take a risk if it could prove rewarding. So he sacrificed some of his gold to challenge Charles Martin for his magic belt and then he took on and slayed the fearsome Sir Wlad in front of a mighty throng and won a second magic and third slightly less magic belt. He was unable to joust the corpulent and noisy Sir Tyson Roidalot however as he was too portly to mount his horse and had to stay at home in his mobile castle saying rude things about people.

AJ enjoyed his new status as the best big boxer in the world. He had riches beyond his wildest dreams thanks to the audience that had seen him take those risks. There were offers to fight across the realm and beyond. Everyone it seemed wanted to fight AJ in the hope that the glory and riches would rub off on them.

It was then that AJ heard of the legend of the Can Crusher. He also loved boxing and fought in the far off land of Allarebarmy. The Can Crusher also had a wizard helper, the sinister ALHAYMON, but he didn't like risks and preferred the Can Crusher to stay at home crushing cans and wearing silly coats. Occasionally he would find someone driving a horse and cart or sweeping a gutter and he would fight them for pennies. One day he found a fat dehydrated man and he took his magic belt from him and he used it to get more money from crushing cans than the recycling centre would ever give him. But the pies were as unimpressive as the opposition and the nonsense that the Can Crusher spouted put off so many people who feared that craziness may be contagious so they stayed away. Poor Can Crusher!

When ALHAYMON and the Can Crusher heard how rich AJ was they grew very jealous. None of the cans he crushed had anything like that amount of gold! He wanted to fight AJ and take his magic belts and use them to crush even more money out of cans than he'd ever got before. Of course the Can Crusher hadn't taken the risks that AJ had and watching him crush cans wasn't very exciting consequently only a few people in Allarebarmy wanted to watch him. So how could he persuade AJ to give him a bigger share of the riches than he really could reasonably expect to get?

Well he could of course take on the tough challengers, but that sounded risky. Or he could take the same kind of offering as Sir Parker but that meant he'd have less pie than he wanted! Luckily the Can Crusher knew that there was a large amount of simpletons who didn't understand boxing but liked to hear people shouting. So in between crushing cans he started shouting about Sir AJ and how he was desperate to fight him.

Of course in the real world people looked at his record of crushing cans and they compared it to his shouting and they laughed and laughed some more. When they heard that the can crusher thought he should have half of AJ's pie when they fought they laughed even harder, but no-one laughed harder than AJ and Eddie. What a funny man they said as they continued to enjoy the delicious pies they'd baked together.
As the Crusher was delusional AJ made plans to challenge Sir Parker from the far off mythical land of Godzone instead for another magic belt. Sir Parker was brave and perhaps a little dull, a bit like AJ, but he wasn't delusional and that made all the difference.

Wizard EddieHearn meanwhile lined up a series of other challengers eager to enjoy a reasonable slice of his delicious pies. Even Sir Roidalot started showing an interest in challenging Sir AJ, although no steed was big enough to carry his portly frame. Meanwhile the Can Crusher beat up an old Cuban man who had lost his special medicine as AJ, Sir Parker and even Sir Roidalot probably all lived happily ever after depending on various factors yet to be determined.

But it was left to the poor simpletons to listen to the Can Crusher when he threw yet another of his famous tantrums and took his bat and ball home sobbing because AJ wouldn't let him perform his special dance in front of the big boys even after he'd practised SO HARD! 'Crush another can' they called out, 'then shout some more, we love it when you do that. No-one crushes cans like you Deontay. Then shout a bit more we like that as well.'
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This is ****ing classic, I legit lol'ed a good half dozen times and read every word. Breathtaking fairy-tale Sir Holler

Drew101 · Mar 29, 2018

I find myself disagreeing quite vehemently with the sentiment of the OP. But, man this is a creative put down and warrants praise as a result. Kudos, sir.

_Frankly · Mar 29, 2018

Let's be honest most of the division wouldn't look out of place as stand ins for the roly polys'.. Barring a couple of juiced up caveman it has more muffin tops, love handles, man boobs & spare tyres than a Dustin Nichols family gathering!

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Holler · Mar 30, 2018

Caper said: ↑

I don’t mind it at all though I can see how some folks would identify it as purely condescending. In general I find it harmless when compared to the subliminal ethnocentric rubbish that gets by in here.
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Yes it was maybe a little too condescending, sometimes its difficult to get the balance right between funny and being a ****... Anyway, thanks for the balanced response.

Holler · Mar 19, 2019

The Can Crusher was ANGRY! He rummaged through his wardrobe looking for his ANGRY pants but although he found his Crow feather headdress, his leopard skin bikini, his Rattlesnake leather diving suit and his second favourite cheerleading skirt he couldn't find his ANGRY pants or his Furious coat. Actually he thought I'll have to rename that one, it had reminded him of the terrible time he'd spent chasing Sir Tyson Roidalot around Castle Staples and how everyone had laughed at him when he'd pretended to know how to box.

FinkelShells the court dwarf appeared. 'No time for ANGRY pants Can Crusher! You've got to go and meet Sir Dullminic Brazzzz and tell everyone about your fight. Here, let me take your bib off you and you can give me those crayons as well, we don't want you getting your ANGRY pants all messed up do we?

The Can Crusher was puzzled, what could FinkelShells mean? Then it hit him, he was wearing his ANGRY pants and had been all the time! In fact he hadn't taken them off ever since Wizard ALHAYMON had told him what he'd thought of him after the Castle Staples incident and how much it had cost him to try and make everything right.

Finkelshells was still talking 'Remember to shout every time Sir Dullminic says anything and don't mention the pots of gold that you were offered to fight Sir AJ either, oh wait a minute, forget I said that.'

But the Can Crusher hadn't heard him. He was too busy looking for his ANGRY pants. Where could they be?

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Brave Sir AJ and the Legend of the Can Crusher

On The Money Dangerous Journeyman Full Member

rorschach51 A Legend & A Gentleman Full Member

Drew101 Obsessed with Boxing Full Member

_Frankly Bivolian! banned Full Member

Holler Doesn't appear to be a paid matchroom PR shill Full Member

Holler Doesn't appear to be a paid matchroom PR shill Full Member

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Brave Sir AJ and the Legend of the Can Crusher

On The Money Dangerous Journeyman Full Member

rorschach51 A Legend & A Gentleman Full Member

Drew101 Obsessed with Boxing Full Member

_Frankly Bivolian! banned Full Member

Holler Doesn't appear to be a paid matchroom PR shill Full Member

Holler Doesn't appear to be a paid matchroom PR shill Full Member