Comprehensively predict the AJ v Parker fight

Round 1 Joshua comes out into the middle of the ring. Parker circles. Joshua flicks out a jab. Suddenly behind the ring there is a disturbance in the crowd, which catches the attention of both fighters who stop fighting and the referee. The camera pans in for a close up and you can clearly see Deontay Wilder on his knees with tears in his eyes begging for his life as above him stands Dustin Nichols with his giant fat hands wrapped around his neck. Several security guards try to rush in to save Wilder, but Nichols flicks out a check jab which sends three of them flying. Nichols lifts Wilder in to the air by his neck, and we can see him mouth something which looks like 'barbeque time' before he storms out of the arena carrying Wilder like a rag doll. The commentators and officials make their excuses and the fight is abandoned.

 

Round 1 - both men walk out of their corners and instantly throw monster right hands that both connect. Both instantly KO'd hitting the canvas at same time. Time of fight - 4 seconds.

 

Both start the fight quite tentatively, respecting each other. Parker, due to his significant reach and height disadvantage, will be losing rounds. They (he and his team) understand quite well that it will be hard to win against AJ by decision, so Parker will go for it in the second part of the fight. The problem is this plan is quite obvious, so Joshua would be prepared for it.
I expect AJ to win by later rounds stoppage or even by a decision.

 

Round 1 - Both tentative, feeling each other out, Joshua's a bit more aggressive and has success with the jab which edges him the round.

Wilder has found the courage to be ring side and is commentating for Sky, but he looks nervous and doesn't say much. Whyte is nowhere to be seen.

Rounds 2-3 - Both a little more active, Parker moving looking to throw more but not landing cleanly. Joshua pushing forward landing the cleaner shots and countering whenever Parker attacks. During the 4th Joshua lands the first significant shot, stunning Parker and goes for the kill, but Parker takes it and fires back. Joshua looks to be breathing heavily at end of the 4th.

Wilder seems to have relaxed knowing Whyte is not at the principality stadium and starts talking gibberish about how if a half hybrid had landed that shot Parker would of got dropped, the rest of the commentary team look confused and ask for a translator.

Rounds 4-6 - Parker is losing and he knows it, but also knows Joshua is a little gassed, he looks to be more aggressive and has some success and even may buzz Joshua with the odd combo, but he's paying a price for it and taking hard shots back himself. But Parker finally looks to be in the fight and winning rounds.

Higgins is elated at Parker's first signs of success, he's whipped out his didgeridoo and blowing on it for all his worth. Fury is rings side and making p.enis jokes to Eddie Hearn about Higgins didgeridoo, Eddie is too concerned with what's happening in the ring to notice.

Wilder still talking gibberish in his Alabama drawl, something about how it's mind bubblin that Joshua is struggling. Sky have put up subtitles on screen for Brit fans who can't understand Wilder, the subtitles make no sense either.

Rounds 7-8 - Joshua finds a 2nd wind and starts dictating things and pushing Parker back again. Parker fires back when he can but is coming off 2nd best against the bigger, more accurate, harder hitting Joshua.

During a lull in the action in the 8th a lone wolf howl can be heard, Whyte is in the building, Wilder puts on his shades and dons his full length chinchilla fur coat in the hopes he melts into the crowd and can't be seen.

Higgins is concerned, puts away his didgeridoo. Hearn finally laughs at a Fury's joke about Higgins didgeridoo.

Round 9 - Joshua hurts Parker early in the 9th, Parker is badly hurt but tries to fight back only for Joshua to put him down for the first time. Parker gets up, looks at his corner, Kevin Barry looks worried. Parker does his best to survive and on sheer heart and desire is able to reach the bell to end the 9th.

Higgins is off in the toilets doing coke with the Fury's. Hearn is looking like a smug git and being booed by the crowd.

Wilder has gone quiet muttering to himself about he should of stayed in Alabama. Wolf howls can be heard in the cold night air.

Round 10 - Parker gets no help from his corner, Kevin Barry looks out of his depth and lost, simply tells him to keep his hands up. Parker comes out for the 10th and Joshua goes for the kill. Joshua batters a still hurt Parker drops him twice before the ref steps in and stops it.

Higgins with his nose still covered in china white storms the rings calling it a premature stoppage, Fury follows suit steps in the ring and starts singing "who's afraid of the big bad wolf" taunting Wilder.

Joshua turns to the commentary team expecting to see Wilder but he's nowhere to be seen, there's just a bad smelling wet patch where his seat is.

Wilder was last seen being chased across the valleys by someone howling at the night sky.

 

David Haye has enough to worry about how to keep his new wife Kelly Maloney happy.

 

The fight goes as Komaster said.

But only till the fifth!

The disturbance begins in the crowd. A large man in a trench coat has stood up and is shouting incoherently as he makes his way towards the ring. Security tries in vain to stop him but to no avail, his sheer size and mass means there's no stopping him.

He enters the ring, it's Tyson Fury! He casts aside the trench coat and reveals he broadsword he has somehow brought past security. Parker and Joshua stand mouth agape as Fury decapitates Guiseppe Quartarone with one easy swing of the sabre and roars:

'Highlander, come forth and face me! There can be only one!'

In the background a large number of angry travellers have gathered around the ring and are shouting that Tyson has eaten 7 contaminated boars after watching his favourite Christophe Lambert 80's fantasy film on an old vhs in his caravan and he shouldn't be approached on any account.

The entire crowd of 80,000 are stunned and no-one seems to know what to do. Then a man bearing a dv camera strides forward. He kicks aside the headless corpse of the referee and shouts 'this is Kurgan Cassius for Mtk global, there can be only one!' He pulls the camera apart to reveal a sword!

Then he and Fury fight each other for the prize, which is the chance to be the first person on earth to be able to understand what Deontay Wilder is actually saying. But we only find that out in the disappointing sequel.

 

Conor McGregor by 5th round TKO

 

During the ringwalk, rumours start to circulate among the crowd that the ghost of 19th century poet Emily Dickinson has been seen gliding between the aisles of seats. An excited hubbub begins to grow, as half-drunk fight fans crane their necks eagerly for a chance to catch a glimpse of this founding mother of modern American literature.

Round 1: Excitement grows and the stadium rumbles with hearsay and recitations of favourite Dickinson verses. Joshua lands an uppercut as Parker moves in.

Round 2: Someone shouts that they've just seen Dickinson in row H, but it was just a lady from Shoreditch coming back from the toilet.

Round 3: Someone says they think the ghost of Emily Dickinson might have actually been the ghost of Charlotte Brontë. Word spreads. The disappointed crowd forget about ghosts and start to watch the fight.

Round 4: Joshua's punches start to land more frequently, and Parker looks to be struggling to land his own.

Round 5: The fight has been a little scrappy so far, but Joshua is beginning to take control, timing Parker well.

Round 6: More excited chatter after someone suggests that it might have been Emily Brontë, not Charlotte. A chant of "Wuthering Heights! Wuthering Heights!" breaks out.

Round 7: Brontë fever is at a peak. On the big screen, a woman exposes her breasts, upon which she has hastily scrawled in marker pen "Emily, your crowning achievement was to reveal the underlying hypocrisy and moral decrepitude at the heart of Victorian society, we will never forget!" Huge applause breaks out. Parker hits the canvas for the first time in his career.

Round 8: A discussion of the relevance of Wuthering Heights in contemporary society leads to one man throwing a chair at a bespectacled literature lecturer. Parker is hanging on.

Round 9: Chaos now, as a horde of people brandishing copies of Wuthering Heights clash with another group waving around The Collected Poems Of Charlotte Brontë.

Not sure how it'll play out from here, but probably a stoppage in the 11th.

 

Bravo!

A solemn thing – it was – I said –
A Boxer – Whyte – to be –
Mandatory – if WBC should see fit –
To Deontay's misery –


(with apologies to the madwoman in the attic)