Dear Don

http://www.ifl.tv/News-07Jul17-Dear-Don-10.html

Another classic.

 

Dear Don: Advice from "The Predator"
07/17/2007

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Don Frye has beaten up more men, for more money, in more places than you can even spell. Who better to turn to for advice on life, love, and the pursuit of awesomeness?

That's why Don is answering your questions in an attempt to make the world a better (or at least more interesting place). Disclaimer: advice given by Don Frye is not guaranteed to improve your life, save your marriage, or keep you out of jail.

Dear Don,

I think I have a video game addiction. I mean, all my friends play it too, but it doesn’t seem to take over their lives like with me. One of them even mentioned something about it to me the other day, like that I lived in front of my television. I’ve lost girls over it, I’ve missed great weekends because of it, and I’ve even put on a few extra pounds from it. Some days I just get up and play until it gets dark.

Do you think I have a problem? Is there something I can do to stop it? How much is too much?

Do I think you have a problem? Oh, yeah. I think you have lots of problems. I think you’re a goof, to be honest. I mean, come on. You’ve lost girls because of video games? That should send up a big red flag, partner. The fact that it doesn’t tells me right off that something is seriously wrong in your head.

I don’t play video games (even though I’m in one), so maybe I’m missing something about the whole experience. Maybe it’s a lot more fun than I realize. I don’t know. What I do know about is how much fun you can have with a good woman, and I can’t imagine a video game being better than that.

But aside from that, think about the way your life is wasting away while you sit there with a little controller in your hand every day. For all you know, you could be dead this time next year. What would you want people to say about you when you’re gone – he made it to level 10 on Donkey Kong?

Here’s what I’d do if somehow I was as pathetic as you: take that video game machine and throw it out the damn window. Don’t even let it stay in your house. If you do, it’ll just suck you back in and all you’ll have to show for it is a fat gut and blisters on your thumbs. It’s either that, or find a girl who is just as much of a loser as you are. Then the two of you can sit inside and waste your lives together.

If you take that road, please do the rest of us a favor and don’t have kids. We’ve got enough slacker idiots in the world as it is.

Dear Don,

My brother is getting married in a few weeks and, as his best man, it’s fallen on me to plan his bachelor party. Naturally, I’m thinking of a wild party with all our guy friends, plus a hired stripper or two, but his fiancée is really adamant that no strippers be involved. I don’t see what the big deal is, but my brother seems too scared of his own girlfriend to go against her wishes.

I’m not sure if I should just go ahead with hiring the strippers and take the heat for it myself, or if I should go along with their ludicrous notions of what a bachelor party ought to be. What would you do?

I’ll tell you what I’d do. I wouldn’t hire a stripper for the bachelor party. I’d hire ten strippers, just to make a point. I’d tell my brother to sit down and shut up and enjoy the show, and I’d give his girlfriend twenty bucks to go get herself a lap dance somewhere. If she’s not into that, I’d buy her a bus ticket to her mother’s house. Anything to get her out of the way.

Now, I understand that some people have different ideas about what a bachelor party should be. If the guy doesn’t want strippers at his party because he really doesn’t think he’d enjoy it, that’s one thing. In that case you should respect his wishes and go miniature golfing or something.

But if the reason he doesn’t want them is because he’s scared of what his girlfriend will say, then I think he should be taught a lesson. You can’t let the guy enter married life in fear. If he does, a year from now he’ll be wearing an apron and watching ice skating on TV.

So don’t think of it as a party with strippers. Think of it as an intervention. Your brother is sick, and a girl named Misty in a cop uniform might be just the prescription.

Dear Don,

I’m a twenty-eight-year-old woman who’s been dating the same guy for almost four years now. We keep talking about getting married and he says he wants to do it, but he never gets around to buying a ring and going through the motion of asking me. What can I do to get the wheels moving without sounding like I’m nagging him to hurry up and marry me?

That’s a good question, and one women have been asking since the first wedding was held in a cave somewhere. You might not think I understand what you’re going through, me being a man and all, but I think I’ve got a pretty good idea how you’re feeling. You’re twenty-eight, you’re worried that time is running out, that you’ll wake up one day and your looks will be gone and so will your prospects.

The first thing I think you should do is calm down. Men can smell marriage panic a mile away. They look at you and all they see is a woman trying to do whatever it takes to trap them, and their instinct is to gnaw off their own leg to get away.

In other words, the worst thing you can do is get desperate. Do the opposite of that. Instead of grabbing onto him like a drowning sailor, let him see what it would be like if he missed his chance to grab onto you. Start showing an interest in other men. Make yourself scarce. See if he doesn’t perk right up.

If this doesn’t work, then maybe he’s not the guy for you. Anyone who doesn’t care if he loses you isn’t someone you want to hitch your wagon to, after all.

But if you’re really intent on getting that ring no matter what and you still can’t seal the deal, why not get him drunk and take him to Vegas. The desert out there has soaked up the tears of so many bad marriages, I’m sure it won’t notice one more.