David Hayes just out there now, running around, hes got his own magazine out you know with pictures of him dressed up as a woman, wearing high heel shoes. David Haye is confused right about now. And Im there to knock some sense into him. And after Ive knocked some sense into him hell probably start phoning me up again for advice Audley "The Truth" Harrison October 2010
"He broke my jaw...at least, I think he broke my jaw" Audley Harrison ""I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays." "So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'' "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." "So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.' When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.... "Exit signs - they're on the way out aren't they?." " This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books." "And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.' So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died." "Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet." The price of hearing aids has gone up?Deaf people across the country are going "how much?" "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are." "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'" "I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'" Tim Vine
"Now let's go party" Randall 'Tex' Cobb After 12/15 one-sided rounds against...someone -- Ali/Holmes maybe? He got his ass handed to him, but that's still classy
one liner stand up, google him for a huge list of them. he's hilarious, is on Live at the Apollo sometimes, but they're even funnier in print, makes them seem more dry.
Personally I like a Larry Holmes one. "I learn that these judges get drunk before they go to judge fights" "They can kiss where the sun dont shine, and since we're on HBO thats my big black behind"
"I want a cheeseburger Sorry, we don't serve negros I dont eat 'em either, just give me a cheeseburger" Muhammad Ali
