James Toney - Any real man knows he won the UFC fight

James Toney - Any real man, such as myself, knows he won the UFC fight by Fantana

Randy Courture aka The Natural, one of UFCs greatest ever combatants and a heck of an action movie actor, got a big win on his record over James “Lights Out” Toney via way of “submission”. He was very lucky and bizarrely the truth was never fully explored as it will be in this article, where I shall expose the truth like someone less handsome couldn’t. People were quick to say James Toney will now be called James “Taps Out” Toney, that boxing was never that good anyway and that he will never win a MMA contest. These same people have been hoping boxing, and Toney, would fall, and not get up, for years on end. There are some shocking revelations I am about to make, so please read on if you are a true boxing fan.

A lot of attention came from Dana White saying James Toney was in the best shape of his life, and that he was reinvented as a man, in a non-gay way. Everyone saw video footage of James Toney kicking ass with his fists ironically in the gym, the highlight reel footage of past knockouts, his MMA training. He looked svelt, recently saying he was 209 pounds. His delts looked great, his biceps seemed to bulge through his top and he seemed to gleam supremacy. At the weigh in I was expecting his body to look like that guy from Twilight, the one my wife fancies, but something terrible happened. James Toney was fat. 237 ****ing pounds. At the weigh in no one could offer an explantion as to why James Toney was so heavy and hippo like, but after the farce of a fight, it certainly became clear. When Randy Courture weighed in, he was 220lbs or some ****, and looked like a Calvin Klein model, the *******.

According to Wikipedia, Randy Courture came into the Octagon with 28 wins, 7 by knockout and 4 by submission, with 10 losses. The majority of these contests were done in UFC, so as we can see Randy has a lot of experience, no pun intended. He was an Olympic wrestler, and everyone remembers his thrilling fights with Chuck Lidell and Tito Ortiz. He looked pretty ****ing confident, like he knew something. But what? James Toney came into the fight with an MMA record of 0 – 0. To put this into perspective, a bloke with 29 fights was fighting a guy with a record 0 – 0. I had to look long and hard to find a professional boxer with such a **** resume, in fact I couldn’t find one and didn’t look that hard. Ali fought Spinks who only had 7 fights, and lost. Basically James Toney was coming in with no fights, and Randy Courture was telling his mates he was fighting someone with an unbeaten MMA record.

Toney is a great boxer, throwing more than 10 punches per round and landing over 50%, he undoubtedly is one of the greatest boxers to go from middleweight to heavyweight and fight John Ruiz. As they strolled towards each other to touch gloves, the stark contrasts between the two fighters are there for the plain eye. Toney, a handsome man who looks like he stepped out of a Hollywood film set (which he has, in the film Ali for example) against the lankier, muscley Courture, who has a dodgy ear and chest hair. In the looks department, it was a total mismatch.

Basically, everyone in the world was expecting them to touch gloves, and then James Toney punch the other guy in the face and win. Men who kick don’t like getting punched in the face, because they like to fight like women and pull hair. As the signal to start the “fight” sounded, a strange smoke like creature flew past the TV cameras. Was it a ghoul? I don’t know.

Anyway, regardless, James Toney looked really strange as he moved very slowly to his left. He looks distant. He looks drowsy and drugged. He looks covered in Vaseline, or some other substance, and I’m pretty sure I can see injections marks on his body. Randy ****ing Courture however looks all confident like he knows something, he knows he is cheating. James Toney looks worried the whole 20 seconds he was standing up.

Suddenly Randy gets raunchy and with the speed of a cheetah he launches himself at James Toney’s canckle, and latches on. James Toney has this look on his face, which I can interpret as being “I really want to kick this bloke in the head who is touching my legs but that is against the rules of UFC…” then a look of sheer horror as he is pulled to the floor. James falls down in slow motion, it was as if he was almost able to control the speed of his falling. He looks hurt, inside his body, I am almost completely convinced the other team has drugged him. Then **** gets really ugly, because Randy Courture starts putting his “moves” on JT, which had a serious ripple effect, because JT is so fat. Of course, James Toney is not a wrestler, and he has been wronged here. Like a hero with an arrow in his chest, like Gibson in Braveheart, Toney tries to get up, but he can’t. He can hardly move, and Randy Courture fires some hard punches into belly. Toney bites into his gumshield, the referee lets him fight on. Toney is a damned hero.

Suddenly, like a rising phoenix from the flames of some burnt out car, James Toney’s eyes sparkly. I can see it, he has gathered his senses through all the drugging and yanks yelling UFC in his ear, and I can see him mutter under his breath “FOR QUEENSBURY!” and he starts making little tai chi moves on Randy Courtures arm, as Randy tries to hug him to death. Yes, Toney is looking for weakenesses in the very makeup of Randys anatomy, looking for a soft spot for him to punch at whilst tied up on the floor. God damn it James, you’re a man and a half. I feel a sense of elation as I know James Toney is going to win, then all of a sudden the referee waves it off and they are talking about a submission from James Toney. What the ****. He is absolutely fine, but the ref smothers his mouth as he takes out his gum shield, probably drugging him some more. He complains, he knows he could have continued, we all do. He was winning the round on points before he got hit. UFC is named the victor. Here are some facts:-

1. James Toney was not ‘tapping out’, he was merely looking to exploit weaknesses in the muscle fibre of Randy Couture’s arm. It is the same thing masons do when drilling through walls, checking to see if there are electric currents behind the wall or some****.
2. Toney was not ready for the fight, he thought it was GMT time zone
3. Toney was fine to fight on
4. Toney had too much Vaseline on him, applied by Dana White
5. Toney didn’t even know he was meant to be fighting that night, he thought it was in a few weeks. Like most real men, such as myself, we have no idea when the next UFC tournament thing is taking place because it’s pure ****.
6. Toney was drugged, somehow. Perhaps via psychic channelling, which is illegal tactics.
7. Toney was winning the fight, he landed the cleaner, harder punches, but was just unlucky to get caught in a headlock.
8. Toney hurt Courture with every one of the four punches he landed whilst on his ass.
9. Toney was robbed of fighting fairly, but not of his pride or dignity, even though he looked fat (it was puppy fat, bought on by being drugged)
10. Toney had hurt his toe in the dressing room, and this seriously damaged his balance. I saw it in the warm up, although like a real man he didn’t say anything but this is why he had them supports on his ankles.
11. Toney landed the more convincing shots off the fight, faster, fuller, better looking ones.
12. Toney took the loss well, didn’t complain. It’s up for his true supporters to do that for him.
13. Toney was not the first person to touch the floor, so he is technically a winner by default anyway.
14. Toney was going to let Randy Courture get up when he saw his hands touch the floor for the “takedown”, it is boxing and manly instinct. Had he have realized he was going for the takedown he would have done some awesome boxing moves and totally knocked UFC out.

For some reason a lot of people are calling James “Lights Out” Toney James “Taps Out”. He has never been knocked out before, and this wasn’t a true knockout loss, or even a loss at all really, I mean boxrec doesn’t even show it so how can it be real? James Toney is still unstoppable. There is no more that can be said about this fight. Boxing was robbed, and this fight should be changed to a DQ win for Toney, as Randy cheated, and touched the floor first. I hope this has opened your mind and shown you the light.

Yours in manliness,
Fantana